Clerks My Scene 1: The Thing
by boredandsleepy
Summary: Randal shares his thoughts on The Thing with Dante.


**The Legal Bit:** This work is totally based on characters/places/scenarios created by Kevin Smith. He owns everything,I own nothing. All bow down before thegenius of Kevin Smith.

(I know that I'm not supposed to write anything in script form, but I didn't think it read as well in story format. My apologies to all that this offends.)

**Clerks.**

_My Scene 1:_

_Another Day, more random chat..._

_It's 9pm, and Dante has just started the graveyard shift in the QuickStop. He's tired, cranky and doesn't want to be there. He's lazily reading the newspaper, with his head being held up by his right arm. As per usual, the sound of Jay and Silent Bob (being their usual stoner-selves, outside, driving away any number of would be customers) can be heard. The door opens with the ding-a-ling of a bell, and Randal enters, calling back out to the resident dealers…_

**Randal:** …you wish! Why don't you go fuck your cousin again, you stoner fuck! Hey man, what're you doin' in tonight? I thought the boss man was in 'til three?

**Dante:** So did I! He called me an hour ago, some home emergency… said he had no other option but to call me in. What were those stoner fucks shoutin' about?

**Randal:** Usual shit. Jay's "fuckin' this bitch, fuckin' that bitch"…we both know that the only bitch he's getting any action off is the fat one in the overcoat, standin' next to him. I've been wonderin' …you know "The Thing"?

_Randal walks along the edge of the counter and stops at the end, pulling out a "Fantastic Four" comic, and begins flipping through it._

**Dante:** What thing?

**Randal:** "The Thing"… The Fantastic Four! Ben Grimm? And I took you for someone with a bit of knowledge about the things that really matter…

**Dante:** Yes, I know "The Thing". What about him? Do I want to know where you're going with this?

_An elderly female customer comes in, and looks around with a bemused expression on her face. She moves on down to the back of the storew and seems satisfied with staring into the freezer. Dante keeps an eye on her, but Randal continues as if she doesn't exist._

**Randal:** When he transformed into "The Thing", he became a rocky, boulder like creature…right? That means he's rock all over! Does that mean his cock is constantly hard? If so, getting over the fact that he's a super hero in a constant state of arousal, could he actually have sex with a human person?… without tearing them to pieces?

**Dante:** Are you fuckin' serious? How the fuck do you come up with this shit?

**Randal:** I'm telling' you, my friend, you watch enough B-movies and obscure porno's, and you see the world with a new fucked up perspective. Anyway, don't change the subject! Could he get biblical with a human person, one devoid of super-powers, without destroying them? Sub-question: If he can't get his kicks from the token "I love you for what's on the inside" bitch, who would best be suited to take it from him?

**Dante:** I can't believe you…

**Randal:** Don't be such a pussy and answer the fuckin' question!

**Dante:** Alright! Well…I guess I'd have to say Wonder-Woman.

**Randal:** Why must you choose a female character, when there are so many male super-heroes who're far better equipped to take what "The Thing" is offering? Man, you're so homophobic… I don't know why I bother putting up with your latent bigotry.

_Dante tries to explain, but is immediately cut off by Randal, who is just getting into his flow._

**Randal:** Surely Superman would've been a better choice than Wonder-Woman? The Thing isn't looking for a relationship. Just somewhere to release his built up…tension. The Man of Steel surely has buns of steel. The only way The Thing is gonna do any damage to Kal-El, is if he uses some kind of Cryponite based lubricant…

**Dante:** Fuck me! Is there any chance you're gonna stop talking before you give the old lady a heart attack?

_Randal leans forward and looks at the old lady. She seems to be totally unaware of there presence, and not at all disturbed by the nature of Randal's query. _

**Randal:** Fuck no! Grandma hasn't got the foggiest idea that we're even here! Another possibility, would be Mr. Fantastic, Reid Richards. He can stretch any part of his body. I think it's safe to assume that he can stretch his asshole too…

**Dante:** Is no subject taboo with you?

**Randal:** Self-censorship is not my forte.

**Dante:** Obviously…

**Randal:** You may wanna check on your senile statuette over there. It hasn't moved in about ten minutes, and frankly, I think a puddle is gonna be created. I'm only telling you this, because I don't wanna have to walk through it on my way out…

**Dante:** Excuse me, Miss? MISS?

_The customer continues to gaze into the freezer, and shows no sign of having heard Dante._

**Dante:** Fuck! I'm not even supposed to be in today!

_Dante shuffles around the counter, while Randal looks on and chuckles to himself._

_End of My Scene 1._

Please let me know what you think, all comments are welcome...


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